The End of an Era

This is a very personal post, but it’s something I’m thinking about a lot right now.  I had to stop nursing Rhys recently, sooner than I originally planned, and while it was the right thing to do, I’m still a little wistful that my baby days are officially over.  Forever.

On my previous blog, I wrote frequently about motherhood: my sadness after James’ difficult birth, how breastfeeding comforted me immensely, my desire for a VBAC, which became the best possible birth for Rhys (even though it was a c-section), and how I’ve managed having scleroderma while also having two babies in two years.  I don’t dwell on all that here, because I’ve dealt successfully with my early-motherhood emotions, and this blog is my place for exploring my personal interests.  But sometimes things overlap.

Well, things have caught up with me a little bit, and the medication I’ve taken for the past four years to control an overactive thyroid, the medicine that I researched and chose for its safety during pregnancy and breastfeeding, began wreaking havoc on my body, and an immediate change was needed.  The two possible solutions to this problem both involve medication that is not safe while breastfeeding, and so, after careful consideration, I spent a few weeks weaning Rhys and started my new medication last week.

I was prepared for this day to come, and I did my best to prepare my little guy, too.  He is almost two and a half, so he’s old enough to understand things in a simple manner.  We had lots of long talks and cuddle time, and now Ryan can put him to bed at night.  Overall, things are going well.  But as I picked up my prescription from the pharmacy last week, tears filled my eyes when I saw this.

The warnings about pregnancy and breastfeeding were simply a reminder that those days are now over for me, and even though I’m in full agreement that this is the right thing to do, for myself and for my boys, I still felt a sadness that lasted the rest of the day.

I know that “a healthy mom equals a healthy baby,” and I’m looking forward to years and years of wonderful memories with my boys, who are growing before my eyes.  And Rhys is still a little snuggle-bug who will sit on my lap for hours and sounds an alarm if I leave the room, so I know he’s going to be my baby for a little bit longer.  My arms are filled with James and Rhys, and I know that I don’t want to have more children, so I’m taking this little unplanned experience in stride and focusing on the coming days, as birthdays and Christmas celebrations fill my calendar.

And, in the true spirit of beauty junkies everywhere, I am so excited to finally get my hands on some Retin-A, which my dermatologist promised to prescribe as soon as I stopped breastfeeding.  Seriously, it is on my Christmas list!

So, I’m going to enjoy my perfect skin and my precious boys while I try not to dwell on the past, but look forward to the coming year.  And I still get to love on this guy, as long as he will let me.

(Rhys and Mommy, with her roots showing. Don’t worry, they are gone now!)

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